NBAS ’11: Seven Seagulls For a Single Nipple by Troy Chambers

Seven Seagulls for a Single Nipple is a strange tale. Not only does it start with a kind of “what the hell am I reading” vibe, but it quickly moves into a “why the hell haven’t I read something like this before” vibe.

Still with me? Good.

A walking, talking, nipple; a baby faced, serial rapist lobster, a psychotic lesbian nun, and a flock of godly seagulls walk into a bar… wait… no, it’s not a joke. It’s this novel. And oh WOW what a novel it is.

From Amazon:


Wilmorn is a nipple. A nipple in love. Living on a Voodoo priest, Wilmorn the sentient nipple crosses paths with a foul-mouthed lesbian nun shouting about wickedness in the streets of NYC and instantly falls in love. He summons the Seagull Gods in a bid to gain bodily freedom and pursue her, asking for his own human body. The Gulls grant his request. Sort of. They make him a big nipple with a gross little face and spindly limbs. And give him a lobster baby companion/guardian-a chain-smoking demon maniac with a lobster body and a baby face who tail-rapes people to death and picks on Wilmorn ceaselessly. Yes, tail-rapes. It’s his… thing.

Can Wilmorn convince the nun to love him so that he may be human? And what if he succeeds? Making deals with evil Seagull Gods from magical dimensions might not always work out as one would hope.

I’m sure that when Troy Chambers sat down to write this novel, he went about it with the same kind of vigour that I read it with. Only, Chambers is obviously a huge dreamer and a twisted man. Me, I was just the innocent bystander that happened to chance upon his descent into madness. And hell, I’d witness his madness over and over again if it was as entertaining as this. This novel is some hilarious stuff!

Take Stalin, the aforementioned baby faced, serial rapist crab. Can you honestly think of anything you’ve read recently that is as outlandish as that? No. You can’t. Couple that with the fact that this crab is the living embodiment of James Brown, Mr. T, and Samuel L. Jackson’s attitudes mashed into one, on a bad day, without coffee, having an eternal nic fit… with a brutal hangover. That’s who Stalin is. And he’s brutally hilarious throughout the entire novel. Actually, I’d hazard to say that he completely steals the show from the main character, Wilmorn.

Speaking of Wilmorn, did I mention that he’s a massive giant nipple who struck a deal with the seagull gods in order to detach himself from his owner, look for his true love, and eventually go through a massive bodily change that leave him, well, different? Yes. This book is hilarious and amazing.

Chambers is obviously very comfortable with the world he has created in his head, and it translates to the page phenomenally. While this is one of the more extreme novels of the NBAS ’11 group (if only for the serial raping lobster) it’s also one of the most colourful and strangely cathartic as well. Watching Wilmorn go through his transformation, his journey to find his hate-filled lesbian nun/true love, and the overall theme of the book was a real eye opener for me. The author truly let his creativity flow with this novel, and it’s very refreshing to see in genre fiction.

The entire novel centres around Chambers’ ability to surround his cast and with some of the most outlandish situations imaginable, while still keeping things flowing smoothly and on a direct path to a clear ending. I seriously have to hand it to this man. Chambers is not only coming out of the gates with a brilliant novel in tow, but he’s coming out screaming bloody murder, with the intent to take the whole damned place hostage.

This, my friends, is a novel worth looking at.

Seven Seagulls for a Single Nipple is a love story gone terribly wrong… in a good way.

Grab this book at Amazon in Paperback and for your Kindle. Check out Chambers on Facebook, and make sure you take a look at the other fine Bizarro Fiction Eraserhead Press has to offer. If you’re looking for even more Bizarro information, visit Bizarro Central for all of your weird needs.


Dreadful Tales Gets Weird

Over the past 3 weeks, I’ve read no less than 12 of the most insanely off-the-wall books I’ve ever seen. That’s a lot to digest in such a short amount of time – approximately something like 1200 (or more) pages of the weirdest shit you’ve ever laid your eyes on. And that’s also on top of the books I’ve checked out in the mean-time, and the 100 years of Horror articles.

And sleeping.

And eating.

Not books… eating food.

Though… I could eat books…

Never mind. Eating books is a bad idea right now.

Especially after the announcement I’m about to make, and mostly cause I’m nervous about this.

What’s the announcement? Well, I’m sure you can see that the site has taken on a bit of a… different… look today.

That’s because we’re trying something different with our design (which will be ongoing for a little while) and celebrating Bizarro Fiction for the next 9 days here on Dreadful Tales! (January 23rd to the 31st)

Now, one might ask what exactly Bizarro Fiction is:

According to the most informative website on the genre, Bizarro Central‘s ‘About Bizarro’ page:

What Is Bizarro?

  1. Bizarro, simply put, is the genre of the weird.
  2. Bizarro is literature’s equivalent to the cult section at the video store.
  3. Like cult movies, Bizarro is sometimes surreal, sometimes avant-garde, sometimes goofy, sometimes bloody, sometimes borderline pornographic, and almost always completely out there.
  4. Bizarro strives not only to be strange, but fascinating, thought-provoking, and, above all, fun to read.
  5. Bizarro often contains a certain cartoon logic that, when applied to the real world, creates an unstable universe where the bizarre becomes the norm and absurdities are made flesh.
  6. Bizarro was created by a group of small press publishers in response to the increasing demand for (good) weird fiction and the increasing number of authors who specialize in it.
  7. Bizarro is like:
    • Franz Kafka meets John Waters
    • Dr. Suess of the post-apocalypse
    • Takashi Miike meets William S. Burroughs
    • Alice in Wonderland for adults
    • Japanese animation directed by David Lynch

Even though the Bizarros are underground cult outsiders they still have gained an incredible amount of respect in the publishing industry, having been praised by the likes of Chuck Palahniuk, Christopher Moore, William Gibson, Jonathan Lethem, Piers Anthony, Cory Doctorow, Poppy Z. Brite, Michael Moorcock, and Charles de Lint, to name a few, as well as the publications Asimov’s Science-fiction, The Magazine of Fantasy and Science-fiction, Fangoria, Cemetery Dance, Publishers Weekly, The Washington Post, The Guardian, Details Magazine, Gothic Magazine, and The Face, among many others. They have also been finalists for the Philip K Dick Award, the Bram Stoker Award, the Rhysling Award, the Wonderland Book Award, and the Pushcart Prize.

Bizarro isn’t just weird fiction, it is DAMN GOOD weird fiction. And it grows exponentially every single day, so, love it or hate it, you’ll be seeing a lot more of it in the years to come.

We’re excited to bring you a look at 8 new bizarro novels from Eraserhead Press, and specifically from the minds of the New Bizarro Authors Series folks who fill the 2011 lineup (henceforth known as the NBAS ’11). For those of you who don’t know, this is a series Eraserhead Press has started in order to bring some fresh blood to the genre.

Here’s the idea behind the NBAS:

You hold in your hands now a book from the New Bizarro Author Series. Normally, Eraserhead Press publishes twelve books a year. Of those, only one or two are by new writers. The NBAS alters this dynamic, thus giving more authors of weird fiction a chance at publication. For every book published in this series, the following will be true: This is the author’s first published book. We’re testing the waters to see if this author can find a readership, and whether or not you see more Eraserhead Press titles from this author is up to you. The success of this author is in your hands. If enough copies of this book aren’t sold within a year, there will be no future books from the author published by Eraserhead Press. So, if you enjoy this author’s work and want to see more in print, we encourage you to help him out by writing reviews of his book and telling your friends. In any event, hope you enjoy…

Given the guidelines there, and the fact that I was contacted to review one of the books, I wanted to lend a little more than a helping hand. I’m a huge fan of bizarre tales and upstart authors, and it’s no sweat off my back to read a few hundred pages and talk about it. So for the next bunch of days you’re going to be checking out the weirdest that the genre has to offer (with other stuff peppered in), and reading about some of the fresh blood bursting onto the scene.

With that, let’s welcome Justin Grimbol, Vince Kramer, Constance Ann Fitzgerald, Troy Chambers, Spike Marlowe, Michael Allen Rose, Eric Beeny, and S.D. Foster to the fold. This week is gonna be weird