the book that eats people

The Book That Eats People, written by John Perry and illustrated by Mark Fearing

If you decide to take our advice and check out this book, please be careful. It eats people. First it ate Sammy Ruskin. Then it trashed a pile of books and ate a library security guard before disguising itself as a book about dolphins to get a little girl to take it home with her. Yes…the book ate her too. AND a group of children who found it in a box in an alley! So the police put it in jail, where it ate another prisoner. The book gets sent to the zoo for rehabilitation and they try feeding it all sorts of delicious things, but to no avail. The book CRAVES people!

Some survival tips for handling this book:

1. Close it and put heavy things on top if you hear growling and think it’s getting hungry.

2. Never ever read it alone!

3. Never read or hold the book while you have food on your hands or in your pockets.

4. If you hear a noise ‘like an octopus in a tub of yogurt’, the book is starving and you’d better put it near somebody who looks like they might be delicious (every man for himself when it comes to people-eating books, I suppose).

This book is hilariously dark and gruesome, I love it! It’s awesome for reading out loud, especially if you’re not afraid to rant and rave and carry on (my personal specialty!). It’s especially fun if the book occasionally jumps off your lap and tries to eat the audience (okay, maybe that would be traumatizing for a more sensitive child, but mine thought it was funny…use good judgment here, folks!). The art is fantastic and has a dark humour all its own.

I really consider The Book That Eats People a must-have for a children’s horror collection. Run out and grab a copy! Just exercise caution – the book is always hungry.

We all know that kids like to be read to. They love it, even. Even when it’s the worst piece of mind-numbing drivel, the kids don’t seem to mind. Even when it’s the worst piece of drivel for the 83rd time in a row…let’s face it. The kids don’t give a shit!

So these picture books aren’t for the kids (although it’s a safe bet they’ll love them too). These books are for YOU, horror-loving parents. I know you’re one cutesy piece of picture-book torture away from running screaming down the street flailing like Grover and refusing to ever read to your offspring again. We don’t want that. (Shhhhh, it’s all right. Books good. Don’t be afraid, poor terrorized parent. We can help you, never fear.)

The six picture books I have for you today are nothing but pure awesome, and I promise they’ll be just as much fun for you as the tiny terror you’re reading them to. No really. You’ll see!

Alpha Oops: H is for Halloween, written by Alethea Kontis and illustrated by Bob Kolar

A fun and beautiful book with a style reminiscent of vintage Halloween decorations, this is a favorite around here. Any alphabet book that has both ‘kraken’ and ‘lycanthrope’ in it is okay by me!

Boris and Bella, written by Carolyn Crimi and illustrated by Gris Grimly

Boris and Bella, the tale of two ghoulishly feuding characters, is hilarious and makes a great read-aloud. Creepy illustrations by the talented Gris Grimly really bring it to life and give it an awesome atmosphere.

The Monsterologist: A Memoir in Rhyme, written by Bobbi Katz and illustrated by Adam McCauley

The Monsterologist is a collection of rhyming poetry that takes you through the adventures of a monster expert. It’s funny, ingenious, and all around beautiful to look at, just an amazingly designed book.

Frankenstein Makes a Sandwich written and illustrated by Adam Rex

This is a classic, the book we credit with sending us down the path that led eventually to KinderScares. Absolutely hilarious monster poetry both written and illustrated by the inimitable Adam Rex. Although kids love it, you’ll be laughing hardest while they keep asking “What’s so funny?”. And if you love it as much as we do (you will), there’s a sequel, Frankenstein Takes the Cake.

The Book That Eats People, written by John Perry and illustrated by Mark Fearing

Please be careful when purchasing this book. It eats people.

Awesomely dark and entertaining, this is one of my all-time favourites. I like to end my read-aloud rendition by chasing the kids around the room screeching and making it try to eat them. You, um, might want to NOT do that. I hear therapy’s expensive.

Goodnight Goon, written and illustrated by Michael Rex

Last my dears, but far from least, I bring you the piece de resistance. For every mom and dad who has suffered through Goodnight Moon so many times they can recite it by heart, I have the most badass parody in the history of the written word. Yes. Goodnight GOON! Full of monsters and martians and goo, this is the version horror fans everywhere will fall in love with. Mr. Michael Rex – we salute you.

So get out there, parents, and buy your kids a new book today! It won’t hurt, I promise.