A Few Words From Jeff Strand

We invited Jeff Strand over to the site to say a few words about his new YA novel, A Bad Day For Voodoo.  Take it away, Jeff:

In what I believe is a first for the blogosphere, I am writing this guest blog while on fire.I don’t mean that I’m wearing a pair of gloves and one little pinky has a tiny flame on it or something weak like that. I mean that I am literally writing this blog while engulfed in flames, screaming and running around the room, getting soot all over my iPad screen.Sure, I could jump into the shower, but then this would just be a blog by somebody who was recently on fire, and that’s not all that impressive. No, even though it hurts pretty darn bad, I am going to remain alight until I finish this blog. That’s how important it is to me that you get cutting-edge content.

It’s possible that some of you don’t believe me. “Hogwash!” you’re shouting. “Nobody in that situation would continue to write a charming blog entry instead of seeking medical attention! Hogwash, I say!”

Why has our world become so cynical? Do you really think that I’m so desperate to attract attention to my upcoming young adult novel that I would lie about writing a blog post while on fire? I’m doing this for you. I downplayed the damage to my iPad earlier so that you wouldn’t feel guilty, but it’s melting all over the place and I’ll probably have to buy a new one.

Some of you may be wondering why I don’t post pictures to prove it. I’ll tell you why: because I’m on fire and don’t really have time right now to take pictures of myself just to address your doubts! C’mon, if somebody said “Hey, I drove my car through a guardrail and now I’m teetering over the edge of a cliff and am seconds away from plummeting six hundred feet onto rocks, explosives, and quicksand!” would you ask them to take a picture to prove it? Of course not. That would be rude. All I ask is for the same consideration.

I know, I know: you think that a blog post written while on fire should have more typos. Well, I do have an editor, who will be translating sentences like:

gaswghsarw!!kk

Into:

“In what I believe is a first for the blogosphere…”

Anyway, I’m seeing a lot of visible bone on my arm now, so it’s probably time to wrap this up. Thank you for allowing me to make Internet history!

The man is pure genius!  Needless to say you should run out and pick up everything that Jeff has ever put out but in particular check out A Bad Day For Voodoo!
Keep those peepers peeled because in just a bit we will be running a Ex-Strand-aganza as we run a cool little contest! Stay tuned.

A Bad Day For Voodoo

We were lucky enough to have Jeff Strand…er, I mean Tyler Churchill stop by the site to give us a little insight regarding the fantastic new novel, A Bad Day For Voodoo. Keep your eyes on the site over the next few weeks as we plan on having plenty more Jeff Strand goodness and who knows, there might even be some free books in it for our lovely Dreadful Tales readers.  With that, I give you Tyler Churchill….

I’m Tyler Churchill. Not too long ago I had this insane adventure, with car chases and body parts coming off and everything, which I wrote about in the book A Bad Day For Voodoo. It’s not my job to say that it’s the best book ever written, but I will say that if you don’t read it, the following conversation will definitely take place:

[You’re walking down the sidewalk, whistling the merry tune of your choice. Up ahead you see a friend.]

YOU: Hi, friend!

YOUR FRIEND: Hi, you! Crazy party last night, huh? I’ve never seen anybody eat that many pretzels without getting a drink of water!

YOU: And who brought the rhinoceros? I kept thinking “Whoa, somebody is gonna get tusked!” but nobody did, which is good because it would have been funny at the moment of impact, but not so funny once we got into the screaming and bleeding and ambulances.

YOUR FRIEND: Were you there for the ritual?

YOU: What ritual?

YOUR FRIEND: You’ll find out. [His or her expression darkens, and he/she gives you a wicked smile.] Oh, yes, you’ll find out.

YOU: Seriously, what ritual? There was a ritual? Where was I?

YOUR FRIEND: When the time is right, all will be revealed.

YOU: C’mon, tell me what the ritual was! You can’t just throw something like that out into the conversation and then not give answers! Tell me! I need resolution! Resolution!

YOUR FRIEND: I was just kidding. We were all sitting around playing Words With Friends on our phones. Somebody played “rhinoceros” on a triple-word score, which was pretty ironic. Actually, I played “rhino” first and they added “ceros.” So what did you think of A Bad Day For Voodoo?

YOU: That new book? I didn’t read it.

[Several onlookers gasp.]

YOUR FRIEND: Excuse me?

YOU: I said I haven’t read it.

YOUR FRIEND: You…you…you haven’t read A Bad Day For Voodoo?

YOU: No. That’s okay, isn’t it?

YOUR FRIEND: Okay? Okay? Don’t you understand what this means? It means that you’re not cool!

YOU: But that’s not possible! I do cool things all the time!

YOUR FRIEND: It doesn’t matter! This is the book that will define our generation! If you’re ever on a game show and the host says “For twenty thousand dollars, please give us the definition of your generation,” you could hold up A Bad Day For Voodoo and win the twenty thousand dollars!

YOU: But…but…but…but…but…but…but…I thought it was just a silly book!

[Your friend shakes his or her head and sighs.]

YOUR FRIEND: No. It is not.

SOME GUY WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE IN THE AREA AND IS EAVESDROPPING ON THE CONVERSATION: You really haven’t read A Bad Day For Voodoo? Wow. I heard that those people existed, but I never thought I’d see one outside of a zoo.

YOU: You don’t have to be a jerk about it.

YOUR FRIEND: Yes, he does.

YOU: Oh.

YOUR FRIEND: I never knew you were so uncool. It’s like our whole friendship was a lie.

YOU: You’re making too big of a deal out of this.

YOUR FRIEND: Do you see all of those weird-looking colorful waves that are coming out of people’s eyes?

YOU: Ack! Yes! What are those?

YOUR FRIEND: Those are waves of judgment. Everybody is judging you. This will follow you around for the rest of your life.

YOU: No! I don’t believe you!

[You get hit by a car.]

YOU: Ow! Ow!

YOUR FRIEND: That’s what happens when you don’t read A Bad Day For Voodoo. Bad luck follows you everywhere. Watch out for that circular saw blade.

YOU [quickly ducking]: Aaah! That circular saw blade almost took my head off!

YOUR FRIEND: And you’ll need your head to read A Bad Day For Voodoo! Do you understand now?

[A monkey jumps out of a tree and starts punching you in the neck.]

YOU: I understand! I understand!

YOUR FRIEND: Your coolness meter is running out quickly, but there is still time to replenish it! Run to a bookstore or an internet and buy A Bad Day For Voodoo! Hurry, before it’s too–

[The earth begins to crumble around your feet.]

YOUR FRIEND: Oh no! It’s too late! The world needed your coolness! It’s the only thing that kept us from being all dystopian and stuff!

[Zombies–fast or slow, your choice–show up and start eating people.]

PEOPLE CURRENTLY BEING EATEN [in unison]: Nooooooo!

YOU: What have I done? What have I–

[Suddenly you wake up screaming.]

YOU: It was all a dream! Only a terrible, terrible dream! In fact, the book A Bad Day For Voodoo doesn’t even really exist!

SOMEBODY (YOU’RE NOT SURE WHO): Yes, it does. It’s just not out yet. But it will be in June 2012. And you’d better buy it, or the next time you wake up screaming, Effie Trinket will be drawing your name for tribute.

YOU: Then I shall mark my calendar, or better yet, pre-order a copy of A Bad Day For Voodoo right now!

See? You may think I made all of that up, but I assure you that my only concern is for the safety of the world. And even if you don’t care about the world, you should read about the time that my history teacher Mr. Click falsely accused me of cheating on a test, and my friend Adam got a voodoo doll of him, and I jabbed it with a pin during class, and things went wrong, wrong, wrong!

My girlfriend Kelley, who is smarter than both of us combined, also got caught up in the whole thing, and you will not believe the kind of stuff that happened. It’s crazy! I mean, we ran into this one family who…well, you don’t want spoilers, but it was one messed-up family.

Oh, the book is my completely true story, but the publisher put the name “Jeff Strand” on the cover, because of some sort of ransom demand. Just ignore that.

Okay, so, you know what to do, right? Awesome. See you in June.