NBAS ’11: Gigantic Death Worm by Vince Kramer

Vince Kramer comes out of virtually nowhere with Gigantic Death Worm – a hilarious, brutal, violent, and important piece of genre fiction. Why is it important? Because it’s probably the first piece of fiction that features bears who shoot wolves out of their mouths like missiles; Mexican, sombrero-throwing ninjas in invisibility ponchos; a main character who can pull anything out of thin air; and giant fucking death worms.

Like the amazon synopsis says, this might just be the best book ever.

From Amazon:

HOLY SHIT! THIS IS THE BEST BOOK EVER!!!

It’s kind of like that awesome movie, Frozen, you know where there’s those people stuck on a ski-lift while surrounded by wolves. But imagine if instead of wolves they were bears. And the bears spit wolves! Like they’re fucking grenade launchers or something! It’s awesome!!!

And then there’s these gigantic death worms that come out of the ground and kill and eat everyone. And they’re HUGE. Big enough to eat breweries and shit. And it’s all because of 2012! I KNOW! But, don’t worry, there’s a bunch of Mexican Ninjas with invisibility ponchos and throwing-sombreros that are going to save the day. They are so badass. And the main character Dave does some stuff, too. He can pull things out of the air, like burgers and Armani suits. (If I could do that I’d be eating McDouble cheeseburgers constantly!) He and his friend Worm-Head Girl, along with the Mexican Ninjas, and a veterinarian named LeAnn must try to save Phoenix from total annihilation. But they better hurry up because these gigantic death worms are going to utterly fucking destroy everything in like two seconds!!

CHECK OUT THE MOST AWESOME BOOK YOU COULD EVER POSSIBLY IMAGINE!! IT’S THE BEST BOOK EVER!!!

Now, where a first-time author gets off piling so many outlandish things into one short novel, I’ll never know. Only in the bizarro genre can someone get away with this kind of brazen confidence and hilarious craziness. There were points in this novel where I was actually laughing out loud on the subway, and that’s just damned embarrassing. Furthermore, the fact that I couldn’t share any of this with my co-workers was terrifying, but throughly awesome. I finally found something that can be my very own. Will any old horror fan appreciate this novel? No. Will anyone with a sense of humour find this as awesome as I did? No. And why is that? Because they suck and this book is awesome. End of story.

Like I said above, Kramer covers this story in thoroughly entertaining characters, set pieces, and one liners. There really are bears that shoot wolves out of their mouths, and I have to say that it’s one of the most hilarious experiences I’ve ever read. Dave, the main characters and our hero, has brain parasites that actually have a lot to do with the resulting terror and destruction that ensues later one. He can also pull things out of thin air, which Kramer uses subtly and comfortably enough to slip right past the reader. The comedic timing in this novel is seriously brilliant.

And Mexican Ninjas? YES PLEASE! These bad boys fly, wear invisibility ponchos, throw sombreros, and just generally kick ass. There’s nothing I can say that will make any of you completely ‘get’ hot killer these guys are. It’s a “you must read this” scenario, that’s for sure.

Kramer also has an uncanny ability to throw one-liners out there that are bordering on ridiculous, but brimming with hilarity. A few examples would be:

“Then the bear ate his face off, and he died from it.”

Which is a line that almost killed me, making me choke on my coffee and call every known person in the world to recite this to.

“Ramon threw a knife at the poor guy, which killed him in the head.”

Another example of me spitting my coffee every-fucking-where (Kramer, you owe me a new, clean iPhone)

I’ll give you this: Gigantic Death Worm is very much the most fun I’ve had in the past 6 or so months. If Kramer wants to continue writing incredible and insane stories like this, I’ll be first in line to buy.

You can take a look at the book I’m fawning over at Amazon in Paperback and for your Kindle. Also visit Vince Kramer online on Facebook, and check out Eraserhead Press for more Bizarro Fiction. If you’re interested in more Bizarro than you can shake a stick at, visit the online community known as Bizarro Central. That place is awesome.

C.

NBAS ’11: Placenta of Love by Spike Marlowe

Placenta of Love is a strange kind of Disneyland theme park adventure coupled with a savage Pirates of the Caribbean storyline that also relies heavily on a whacked-out monster theme… with a love story thrown in for good measure. Well… not for good measure. This is, for all intents and purposes, a very twisted love story, albeit a very strange one. Very strange.

Marlowe doesn’t just go for wicked weird, though. She goes for emotional, dark, violent, gory… hell, she goes for everything in this wild ride through crazy town and pulls it off brilliantly.

And in the interest of fulfilling a wish that the author has regarding this book, I’d like to publicly proclaim that this novel is Amazeballs… whatever that means.

From Amazon:

PLANET-SIZED AMUSEMENT PARKS, ROBO-PIRATES, AND A SENTIENT PLACENTA!

Step right up! Captain Carl the robo-pirate is one of the few Artificial Intelligences living on Venus-the amusement park planet. When Carl is given the spark of intelligence by his creator, he becomes a creator himself. No longer just an automaton from a pirate ride, Captain Carl creates the love of his life and searches for her perfect body. He thinks he’s found it in a big placenta. But programming is everything.

When the placenta’s desire to reproduce kicks in, the whole park is endangered as the organ grows to monster size, spreading placenta babies across the planet and eating all the rides (and the people riding them!). Captain Carl must band together with a cat, a creator, and the Pope of The Church of Transubstantial Birth Fear to stop his love from killing everyone and destroying the park.

YARRRRR!

Yarrrrr, indeed. Very Yarrrrr. All over the place. Yarrrrr to the extreme. And I only ‘Yarrrr’ so much because this book takes every damned car on the imagination train and flips it way the hell over, tumbling ass over tea-kettle with reckless abandon, but in a very fluid, very practiced way. Each executed plot point is wonderfully weird and hilariously off-the-wall.

In Placenta of Love, Marlowe has created an entire theme park on the planet Venus, and packed it full of interesting, intimidating, and curious rides. Of the many that she describes (each chapter is prefaced with the description of a different ride) I’ve got a few favourites that just kicked my ass. I would be first in line for a ton of these, but the following are the most hilariously intriguing, that’s for sure.

  1. The Felini Wheel – Formerly known as ‘The Fellatio Wheel’, this ride begins to slowly rotate while the automatons staffing the attraction pull down the riders’ pants and… well… you can guess when they do…
  2. The Tilt N’ Hurl – This ride spins its guests from side to side and head-over-heels, blasting them up through Venus’ atmosphere, and into lower orbit. It is preferred that guests do not throw up on this ride.
  3. The Tunnel Of Lust – A cave somewhat like the ‘It’s A Small World‘ ride at Disneyland, but is instead staffed by hundreds of little automatons representing different cultures and planets, copulating in the positions preferred by their cultures. Halfway through the ride, the coaches enter darkened caves featuring mood music for your loving pleasure. For an extra fee, the coach will begin to vibrate.

You can see where this is all going, right? Or can you…?

Marlowe may pepper loads of sexually charged content into this novel, but make no mistake that this is a story about love, and finding one’s self. Between the darkness that is very apparent in this story, and the author’s descriptions of her characters and their motives, Placenta of Love absolutely reeks of a story that is far too familiar to those of us who grew up in a sub-genre, or a group of people who were trying hard to find a place to fit in that was outside of the norm. Like Grimbol’s The Crud Masters, this novel owes a lot to The Outsiders, if only for its attitude and overall feeling of nihilism, no matter how small it is.

With her two main characters, the Romeo and the Juliet-esque Captain Carl and Helen, Marlowe bounces from wounded automaton/lonely placenta to confident and independent Pirate/giant, grotesquely ravenous placenta-monster, over the course of a story laden with heartache and pain. Captain Carl was once the leader of Venus’ pirate attraction, until his maker, in a perverted Pinocchio kind of way, gives him a fully functioning and reasoning AI, making him essentially a real being. In turn, Captain Carl steals a large, throbbing from someplace on the theme park grounds, gives it an AI like his own, and creates a monster. Where once he was in love with it (while still an AI on his ship), he soon comes to acknowledge that he must destroy the thing that he loves in order to save everyone else on the planet.

There’s so much more I want to say, but I really don’t want to spoil the treat for those of you who are interested in checking it out, which I strongly encourage. If you don’t, you’ll never find out just how Captain Carl and his monster placenta-lover actually manage to pro-create. It’s… interesting. *shudder*

Placenta of Love is covered in mystical, gothy, and wickedly dark bits of love and fun. The lengths that the author goes to in order to gross us out is brilliant, making for an epic and fast read that feels all too short.

And here’s a special treat for all of you folks who like to do a little sampling before you purchase. Here’s your chance to listen to the silken voice of Spike Marlowe as she reads the first two chapters of her book for you in a Dreadful Tales exclusive. If you’d like to stream it, see below.

Placenta of Love is available at Amazon in Paperback and for your Kindle. Visit Spike Marlowe online at her blog, and check out Eraserhead Press for more Bizarro Fiction. If you’re interested in more Bizarro than you can shake a stick at, visit the online community known as Bizarro Central. That place is awesome.

C.

NBAS ’11: The Crud Masters by Justin Grimbol

When Justin Grimbol asked me to take a look at his Bizarro novel, The Crud Masters, I really had no idea what to expect. My exposure to the genre was very limited, and consisted really of only having read Adam Pepper’s Super Fetus – a hilariously inappropriate book of massively entertaining proportions. I’d never read anything else like it, and was pretty hard pressed to gather my wits about me to check out another piece from this little known, but tight-knit group of strange authors.

Actually, in the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I never really intended to read another piece of Bizarro Fiction again, what with the amount of insane horror fare being thrown at me from everyone else. I really didn’t want for anything.

But now I do.

I’m painfully happy that Grimbol brought his novel to my attention. Not only was it a blast to read, but it has opened my eyes to a whole new genre of fiction that I otherwise may not have had a chance to enjoy.

With a swagger that screams of confidence, a story full of imagination on an epic scale, and a winning-but-strange concept, Justin Grimbol may have just created one of the best coming of age novels of 2011, or all time… even though it’s weird as hell.

From Amazon:

THE OUTSIDERSWITH GIANT MONSTERS AND TRANSFORMING ROBOTS!

You know that book about the poor kids and the rich assholes who mess with them all the time? The one where the main poor kid (C. Thomas Howell) and his best friend save those kids from a fire, and then the best friend (Ralph Macchio) dies and croaks out, “Stay gold, Pony Boy.” And there’s that rich girl, Cherry, who totally leads Pony Boy on the whole time? This is that! But with giant monsters and robots fighting in the rumbles. And its in The Hamptons. In a dystopian future. Its crazy!

Giant monster fights, touching love with sexbots and stinky women, extreme body modification, and Boogers, the guy who’s sorta like Pony Boy, but gross and perverted-its all right here.

STAY GOLD.

The Crud Masters is equal parts The Outsiders and some strange amalgamation of a Russ Meyer and Roger Corman film. The imagery is, like Grimbol’s choice of descriptive words, vivid as hell, causing the characters to leap off the page in a delightfully weird interpretive dance, landing straight in the reader’s face with a slimy splat. Some of the concepts and themes in this book might be shocking to those who are unfamiliar with the bizarro genre, but it should be noted that these stories are written to emphasize maximum entertainment and WTF factors. Having said that, it’s Grimbol’s characters and monsters that steal the show here.

Leading the story on its journey is Boogers, the appropriately named member of The Crud Masters, in that he has a sinus problem that makes it seem like he has a perpetual cold. Boogers’ sarcasm and wit are backed up by his obviously genuine caring for his crew and the things he holds dear. He’s joined by Snuggles, a portly and kind loser; Soda Can, a hyperactive, outdated Sexbot who torments people by shooting fake semen out of his boot penis… to hilarious results; The Bart, the resident ‘tough guy’ who has a penchant for brutality, yet has surprisingly deep feelings; The Bart’s girlfriend, Clitty, who is, by all accounts, a devoted woman; and Pussy Bear. Now, in a strange turn, Pussy BEar is actually a human female, but she’s had so many body modifications that she actually looks like a gigantic bear… well… apart from the face and the large, floppy breasts hanging off her chest. Fulfilling a twisted West Side Story kind of plot, we have the NOLA kids as the Crud Masters’ enemies. They’re obnoxious, they’re rich, and they’re the Prog Rock to the Crud’s punk rock.

And yes… all of these characters are active and alive in the story. I told you this was gonna get weird.

Rest assured, Grimbol plays the entire thing straight, never once going more over-the-top that the story allows him. Sure there’s a gigantic monster/Transformer battle at the end, but that’s what this bastard child of a legion of insane people calls for. And while we’re on that subject, let’s talk about the monsters. Grimbol lays some seriously screwed up visions on the reader here. We’re looking at everything from crab claws to massive teeth, blasting acidic spit and other deadly bodily fluids. Fun stuff! There’s a massive monster battle about 5 or so chapters into the novel that is perfect. I read it twice. The author writes so fluidly in these situations, making every punch thrown count and every bite harder than it could possibly be elsewhere. Grimbol’s got a killer sense of action, folks.

I could imagine all of these monsters as demented puppets or stuffed animals for deranged kids. But that’s just my inane imagination getting ahold of this. Let’s move on… (note to self – ask Grimbol about making puppets for demented children…)

I’ve got to say, after Grimbol sets up the entire story in the first four chapters, it’s almost like he gave himself a huge playground to go nuts with. It’s apparent that he had a ton of fun authoring this piece of insanity. There’s really a lot more that can be said about this novel. With Grimbol cutting his teeth on such a hugely ambitious novel, I can bet we’re going to see some amazing things out of him in the future. The Crud Masters is almost always go-go-go action, but when it’s not running at full speed, it’s setting the tone of weirdness that any bizarro fan is going to love.

And the hugely insane Monster-Transformer battle at the end of the novel is more than worth the price alone.

Go catch this blisteringly fast-paced novel at Amazon in Paperback and for your Kindle. Visit Justin Grimbol online at his blog, His Cock Is Money, and check out Eraserhead Press for more Bizarro Fiction. If you’re interested in more Bizarro than you can shake a stick at, visit the online community known as Bizarro Central. That place is awesome.

C.

Dreadful Tales Gets Weird

Over the past 3 weeks, I’ve read no less than 12 of the most insanely off-the-wall books I’ve ever seen. That’s a lot to digest in such a short amount of time – approximately something like 1200 (or more) pages of the weirdest shit you’ve ever laid your eyes on. And that’s also on top of the books I’ve checked out in the mean-time, and the 100 years of Horror articles.

And sleeping.

And eating.

Not books… eating food.

Though… I could eat books…

Never mind. Eating books is a bad idea right now.

Especially after the announcement I’m about to make, and mostly cause I’m nervous about this.

What’s the announcement? Well, I’m sure you can see that the site has taken on a bit of a… different… look today.

That’s because we’re trying something different with our design (which will be ongoing for a little while) and celebrating Bizarro Fiction for the next 9 days here on Dreadful Tales! (January 23rd to the 31st)

Now, one might ask what exactly Bizarro Fiction is:

According to the most informative website on the genre, Bizarro Central‘s ‘About Bizarro’ page:

What Is Bizarro?

  1. Bizarro, simply put, is the genre of the weird.
  2. Bizarro is literature’s equivalent to the cult section at the video store.
  3. Like cult movies, Bizarro is sometimes surreal, sometimes avant-garde, sometimes goofy, sometimes bloody, sometimes borderline pornographic, and almost always completely out there.
  4. Bizarro strives not only to be strange, but fascinating, thought-provoking, and, above all, fun to read.
  5. Bizarro often contains a certain cartoon logic that, when applied to the real world, creates an unstable universe where the bizarre becomes the norm and absurdities are made flesh.
  6. Bizarro was created by a group of small press publishers in response to the increasing demand for (good) weird fiction and the increasing number of authors who specialize in it.
  7. Bizarro is like:
    • Franz Kafka meets John Waters
    • Dr. Suess of the post-apocalypse
    • Takashi Miike meets William S. Burroughs
    • Alice in Wonderland for adults
    • Japanese animation directed by David Lynch

Even though the Bizarros are underground cult outsiders they still have gained an incredible amount of respect in the publishing industry, having been praised by the likes of Chuck Palahniuk, Christopher Moore, William Gibson, Jonathan Lethem, Piers Anthony, Cory Doctorow, Poppy Z. Brite, Michael Moorcock, and Charles de Lint, to name a few, as well as the publications Asimov’s Science-fiction, The Magazine of Fantasy and Science-fiction, Fangoria, Cemetery Dance, Publishers Weekly, The Washington Post, The Guardian, Details Magazine, Gothic Magazine, and The Face, among many others. They have also been finalists for the Philip K Dick Award, the Bram Stoker Award, the Rhysling Award, the Wonderland Book Award, and the Pushcart Prize.

Bizarro isn’t just weird fiction, it is DAMN GOOD weird fiction. And it grows exponentially every single day, so, love it or hate it, you’ll be seeing a lot more of it in the years to come.

We’re excited to bring you a look at 8 new bizarro novels from Eraserhead Press, and specifically from the minds of the New Bizarro Authors Series folks who fill the 2011 lineup (henceforth known as the NBAS ’11). For those of you who don’t know, this is a series Eraserhead Press has started in order to bring some fresh blood to the genre.

Here’s the idea behind the NBAS:

You hold in your hands now a book from the New Bizarro Author Series. Normally, Eraserhead Press publishes twelve books a year. Of those, only one or two are by new writers. The NBAS alters this dynamic, thus giving more authors of weird fiction a chance at publication. For every book published in this series, the following will be true: This is the author’s first published book. We’re testing the waters to see if this author can find a readership, and whether or not you see more Eraserhead Press titles from this author is up to you. The success of this author is in your hands. If enough copies of this book aren’t sold within a year, there will be no future books from the author published by Eraserhead Press. So, if you enjoy this author’s work and want to see more in print, we encourage you to help him out by writing reviews of his book and telling your friends. In any event, hope you enjoy…

Given the guidelines there, and the fact that I was contacted to review one of the books, I wanted to lend a little more than a helping hand. I’m a huge fan of bizarre tales and upstart authors, and it’s no sweat off my back to read a few hundred pages and talk about it. So for the next bunch of days you’re going to be checking out the weirdest that the genre has to offer (with other stuff peppered in), and reading about some of the fresh blood bursting onto the scene.

With that, let’s welcome Justin Grimbol, Vince Kramer, Constance Ann Fitzgerald, Troy Chambers, Spike Marlowe, Michael Allen Rose, Eric Beeny, and S.D. Foster to the fold. This week is gonna be weird

Shatnerquake by Jeff Burk

Shatner.  Star Wars.  ‘Star Trek’. ‘Twilight Zone’. Bruce Campell.  If any one of these things get your Flux Capacitor fluxing , well then, Shatnerquake is a book that you need to read. 

Shatnerquake takes place at the inventively titled convention known as Shatner Con.  Shatner Con is a celebration of all things Shatner, with theaters showing Shatner 24/7, a museum dedicated to Shatner and ,of course, a legion of Kirk obsessed fans who are chomping at the bit to get to meet their idol.  Sounds like the perfect event for the inner nerd in all of us, right?  Well it would be …………if it wasn’t for those darn Campbellians!  What are Campbellians, you ask?  Campbellians are rabid fans of Bruce Campbell who have cut off their right arm below the elbow in a display of dedication to their hero. There is nothing Campbellians despise more, and I mean nothing, than William Shatner.  The Campbellians have come up with a plan to permanently eradicate William Shatner from the planet by unleashing a Fiction Bomb at Shatner Con (in case you were wondering, a Fiction Bomb is a device that is housed in a VCR that, once detonated, can erase the memory of any character from the general consciousness).  Unfortunately, the Fiction Bomb malfunctions and instead of erasing Shatner from existence, it unleashes every character Shatner has ever portrayed on an unsuspecting world.  These characters all share the same insatiable desire to destroy the actor who gave them life.  What follows is one of the most wonderfully bizarre pieces of genre fiction I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading.

Shatnerquake is some of the most fun that you are likely to have reading a book.  At just under 100 pages, this story plays out like most of Shatner’s films- a cheesy action-fest that will have you laughing and cheering throughout.  Technically this book is considered bizarro (and that certainly is an apt description) but, due to the broad appeal and solid writing, it is able to transcend genres. Fans of sci-fi, horror, bizarro, action and comics have all sang the praises of this book.  It is that good. With nods to even the most obscure Shatner characters, fans will find themselves reading and re-reading Shatnerquake just to see if they can pick out all of the characters- a Where’s Waldo, of sorts.

There is something special about reading a book where you can sit back and say, “Man, that author is one if us.”  Burk knows how to push all the right buttons because he is a total nerd just like us.  There is a certain level of confidence and respect that the author shows toward his fans- he knows that we will be familiar with the Incubus Shatner, while chuckling at the ‘Rescue 911’ Shatner.  It is gleefully apparent that Burk had more fun writing this story than any of us will ever have reading it, and that is not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination. He is nothing more than a fan who is indulging his inner-geekdom. 

Lucky for us readers, Burk has the talent to pull off a story like this with great ease and fluidity.  It would be easy to dismiss the concept as just another inventive piece of ‘Star Trek’ inspired fan fiction but Shatnerquake is so much more than that- it is the definitive piece of Shatner/Trek inspired fiction. Burk’s vast imagination and skilled writing are what make this a very special experience. 

I honestly don’t know what else I can say to persuade you to read this book.  If the thought of Captain Kirk wielding a light saber doesn’t sell you on this wonderfully crafted novella then nothing will.

The Starfish Girl by Athena Villaverde

“In an underwater hell, the only hope of survival lies in the mind of a bizarre young girl…… with a starfish growing out of her head.”

That is what I envision the tagline to be if Athena Villaverde’s superb debut bizarro novel ever got optioned to the big screen.  Actually, I hope that this book will get optioned for film because this is the most cinematic novel I have read in quite some time.

 From AthenaVillaverde.com:

 In a post-apocalyptic underwater dome, there lives a girl with a starfish growing from her head. Her name is Ohime. She is the starfish girl.

 Alone in this world, Ohime must fight for her life against lecherous crabmen, piranha people, and a yellow algae that is causing humans to mutate into fish. Until she meets Timbre, a woman with deadly sea anemone hair. Ohime thinks she is safe with her new protector and friend, but Timbre is on the run from a violent past. Now they must escape Timbre’s former master, the evil Dr. Ichii, who is determined to conquer the underwater dome . . . and destroy the starfish girl and her friend in the process.

 Starfish Girl plays out like a finely tuned exploitation flick.  There is an impossible mission, some amazingly cheesy scenery and an undercurrent of unspeakable dread that flows just below the surface.  I loved those off-beat exploitation films growing up but I have never really gotten that feeling from a book….until now.  Villaverde has created the perfect exploitation anti-hero with Timbre, giving her a sick and twisted backstory that make her personal journey for redemption all the more powerful. She is a certified badass mama that one can’t help but cheer for. Timbre is pitted against the unthinkably evil mad scientist known as Dr. Ichii.  Together these two characters engage in some of the most off-the-wall battles and banter that you are likely to find in genre fiction.  They are both searching for a hidden vessel that will bring the few remaining survivors to the water’s surface so they can start to rebuild civilization.  The vessel’s exact location lies in the mnd of the innocent little Starfish Girl, Ohime. If that doesn’t sound like the perfect premise to a grainy film being shown on a 42nd St. theater screen, well then, I don’t know what does.

Villaverde simply lets the story flow as we follow Timbre and Ohime on their quest to save humanity.  Despite the delightfully strange scenery, the story seems to grow and flourish in a very organic fashion- leaving the impression that no plot point is being forced or contrived.  In the end, this is the real strength of the novel.  This is not a bizarro novel that is trying to tell a story, this is a wonderful story that incorporated the elements of bizarro.  There is a real emotional attachment that the reader will make with the these rich and colorful characters.  There are moments of saddness followed by bursts of sheer jubilation as we are sucked into this underwater world inhabited by ghastly monstrosities and flawed protaganists.  This type of attachement is hard to come by in a genre ruled by blood and guts and this is really what sets Starfish Girl apart.

Villaverde’s prose is very simple , with each word chosen for maximum impact.  The net result is a story that moves at a very brisk pace with absolutely no filler to be found.  Villaverde writes her novel like a screenplay- only the essentials are included and the rest is left to play out in the readers mind.  This is the perfect style for this type of novel.  The author is smart enough to never let the words interfere with her stellar story.

I love the flexibility of the bizarro genre.  Authors like Andersen Prunty can use the style to craft a brilliant tale with a very important message, while Mellick can relish in weird humor.  Now we are introduced to Athena Villaverde, who uses the formula for one very basic purpose-  tell one wildly entertaining story.  Villaverde has set the bar extremely high with her debut novel but I have faith that an author of her talent will continue to elevate her writing and storytelling aility.  I am telling you, people, Athena Villaverde is a name to watch out for!

Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You! by Bradley Sands

From Amazon.com:

Rico Slade doesn’t care about the political climate. Rico Slade has an advanced degree in badassery. Rico Slade’s favorite food is the honey-roasted peanut. Rico Slade can rip out a throat with his bare hands.

But Rico Slade has a problem. His arch-nemesis, Baron Mayhem, is threatening to drop a bomb on the Earth that will kill every human being except himself while leaving the world’s currency intact. To save the planet, Rico Slade must journey across Hollywood to find Baron Mayhem. Unfortunately, Rico Slade’s crime fighting style involves ripping out the throat of anyone who gets in his way, including grandmothers and Midwestern tourists.

As Rico Slade leaves Hollywood in ruins, the only person who can stop him from destroying the city is his Jewish psychologist, Harold Schwartzman. Until he does, Rico Slade will kill as many people as it takes to thwart Baron Mayhem’s evil scheme. Rico Slade will fucking kill everyone.
 

Rico Slade is the all American male.  He will rip out your  fucking  throat without hesitation and if you dare aggitate him, there is no doubt that he will punch you in your fucking face a bunch of fucking times.  It is as simple as that.  Rico Slade takes no shit from nobody. Rico Slade also maintains a giant pompadour.  Why, you ask? So the police can identify him as a practicioner of badassery. It doesn’t matter that Rico Slade is a fictional character portrayed by some frumpy bald dude named Chip Johnson.  Rico Slade will still rule the shit out of everything. See, Rico Slade has invaded Chip Johnson’s being so now Rico can kick ass in the real world too!

Rico Slade is happy that Bradley Sands took the time out of his stupid life to chronicle the life of Rico Slade.  Rico is not really that happy that Bradley Sands decided to try and make him think by incorporating some social commentary into this book.  Rico Slade’s life is about Rico and boobs, Rico and explosions, Rico and owning the shit out of motherfuckers, not some heady bullshit about the state of America’s consumerism.  Who gives two shits about the facade that most Americans put up?  That is just some dumb shit that people (who don’t have a constant nu metal soundtrack playing in their head) think about. Luckily, Rico Slade is not one of these people and if he was, well, he just might have to kick his own ass.

Overall, though, Rico likes the work that Bradley did.  Although at one point Bradley insisted on using some “blue” language so Rico had to wash Mr. Sands mouth out……….. with his fucking foot.  Thats just how Rico Slade rolls.   Oh and Rico Slade was a little upset when the author tried to question Rico Slade’s sexuality in an attempt to  illustrate America’s sense of homophobia.  That was really gay.  Other than that, Rico totally loved all of the ass he kicked in this book.  Hell, thinking about it gives Rico Slade the biggest hard-on.  Rico Slade would be the first to tell you how truly impressive it looks at full mast.

Rico Slade gets annoyed when people call this little document of awesomeness a brilliant work of bizarro.  It is brilliant but he doesn’t know about all of this bizarro shit.  That sounds like some sort of terrorist speak and, with the help of Jesus, Rico Slade will destroy anyone who even resembles one of those fucking animals. Rico Slade is all about decency and good ol’ American values.  Anyone who questions that will get a size 22 zebra skin boot up their poop shoot.

Do yourself a favor (not only because this is one of the best book you’re likely to read this year but for your own general well-being) and go pick up this fantastic book or, I swear to Christ, Rico Slade will fucking kill you.