There’s always that one person in the family who embodies the very spirit of Ebenezer Scrooge and Scrooge McDuck all rolled into one. And the fact is, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone made comparisons to The Grinch for this next Christmas Crankypants, but I can’t really expect much in the way of creative insults from people these days, apparently. Hell, in all honesty, if it wasn’t for this human bag of inappropriate cussing and craziness, I probably wouldn’t still be around to offer awesome alliteration and aggressive acrimony around assholes and ass-hats alike.

Take it from someone who knows this Tobin Elliott bastard well – he’s got a way with the scary, and knows how to craft a story that is beyond thrilling, but he’s a goddamned teddy bear, too. So please, enjoy his Christmas rantings, but do so with a grain of salt. This Grinch has a heart bigger than he lets on. He just uses his expert swearing skills to hide it behind a blue cloud of craziness.

 

All I want for Christmas is Colum, and…

So this freakish little overactive leaping gnome I know, Colum (which sounds remarkably like “Gollum”, doesn’t it?) McKnightBeforeChristmas asked if I’d be interested in submitting my own “All I Want For Christmas” note.

Well, see, there’s a bit of a problem with that. I fucking hate Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I like that the family get-togethers, I like the Lennon-like feelings of Come Together-ness and Give Peace a Chance-ness and all that. But I just hate the commercialism of it. I hate that I hear Gloria fucking Estefan singing Christmas Conga the day after Halloween as I walk through Wal-Mart laughing at the Wal-Martians.

And then there’s this whole deal about a fat, unshaven dude with one suit that has an unhealthy jones for children and practices his break-and-enter skills every year. I mean, hell, if I wanna see that, I just have to hang around a subway vent on Yonge Street. On the other hand, a creepy dude that hangs out with slave-elves and mutant flying reindeer could make for a solid start to a decent horror story, no?

Anyway, seeing as how Colum is bitching about how fat he’s getting, and he’s frequently unshaven, I figure he may be Santa incognito and I don’t want to piss off some dude who knows when I’m sleeping and whether I’ve been bad or not, so I figured, what the hell?  Let’s throw some shit out there so the creepy bastard doesn’t kill me in my sleep…or do something even worse.

Now, even though Santa Gollum Colum called his post “All I Want For Christmas” he actually talked about a whole pile of stuff he wanted for the next year, so I’m going to follow his lead and assume the entire Mayan Apocalypse thing is as big a pile of crap as the Y2K Apocalypse turned out to be back at the end of 1999.

So here then, is my All I Want For Christmas Assuming the Mayans Don’t Fuck It Up For All Of Us list.

First of all, this is an All I Want list, so it’s gonna start off all about me, okay?  Got a problem with it, go talk to the fat man.

Let’s talk writing first. As Colum mentioned here, I want my first novel, NO HOPE, to be published this year. It’s the follow-up to the VANISHING HOPE novella pubbed back in late summer 2011 and I’m quite proud of the thing. I’ve been living with these guys for a while and I’d really like to unleash Swlabr out on the rest of you. And no, I’m not going to explain that. Buy the damn book when it comes out.

Next year I will kick the novel-writing into high gear and I will finish three different novels

1.    The sort-of sequel to NO HOPE, called BLOOD LOSS and filled with some bitchin’ werewolves and a girl I’ve been referring to as the anti-Talia. You’d know what I’m talking about if you read VANISHING HOPE and shame on you if you haven’t. No, really, haven’t you read DT’s smoking review of it?

2.    Then there’s the actual honest-to-God direct sequel to NO HOPE, called…well, shit, I don’t know what it’s called yet. But there’s demons involved.

3.    Finally, there’s RAGE, which is a standalone novel about rape, revenge and redemption.  Not necessarily in that order.

Oh, and somewhere along the line, I’ve got to kill off Colum in a story.  You’re welcome.

I’m also going to try to get THE WRONG, a novella and, quite frankly, the best goddamn thing I think I’ve ever written, published. Any takers?

Oh, and early in 2013, Ed Kurtz (the man, the myth, the legend, the crazy-ass Texan) should be collecting the first three Sam Truman mysteries into a hard copy book and my story, SOFT KISS, HARD DEATH should get a bit of a clean up and revised ending for it. Looking forward to that one.

I’d also like to get some more major-league attention…Samhain, I’m lookin’ at you here.

Okay, enough about my boring ass.  Let’s talk other stuff I want to see.

First? I want to see Colum get his rapidly expanding ass into a chair and turn one, just one, of the eleventy-billion brilliant ideas he’s got into an actual story. Scarves are nice and all, but shit, dude, you need to bring the horror.

And then there’s also DT’s own Jason D. I know he’s busy having a real life and all that shit, but I’m looking forward to something that only his freakish mind can throw down and make the reader squirm in only the way JD can. Behind that pleasant smile lurks the blackened and cold heart of a seriously twisted individual. And if you haven’t picked up his FEAR IN WORDS ebooks, you need to. Otherwise I’ll throw poop at you. The runny kind.

Yeah, told you how much I love Christmas, didn’t I?

I know Lydia Peever’s diligently working on the follow-up to NIGHTFACE, her ferocious vampire novel that actually does some cool shit with vampires instead of making them all sparkly and angsty. So I want to read NIGHTFACE 2 soon.

Looking a little farther afield, it would be nice to see Stephen King release something…I mean, sweet baby Jesus, it’s been YEARS since his last book. Yeah, okay, that was meant to be sarcastic. I am interested in seeing where he takes Danny Torrance in DR. SLEEP though.  That should be a fun ride.

It would be great to see a nice, thick, dirty novel by the one and only Jack Ketchum. I know he’s doing some fun stuff with Lucky McKee and their latest collab, I AM SAM will be coming soon, but seriously, I need another LOST, or RED, or GIRL NEXT DOOR. I miss you, Jack. Come back to me.

Other than that, I’d like to discover a new author that knocks me on my ass. I need someone who blows me away with the sheer stunning power of their imagination and command of horror.

Beyond that, really, I just want more. More Dreadful Tales. More Colum. More Jason. More horror. More stuff in print. Just…more.

Okay, wait, did I really just type “more Colum”? Okay, forget that shit. Colum, delete that shit in the proofread, okay?