NBAS ’11: Gigantic Death Worm by Vince Kramer

Vince Kramer comes out of virtually nowhere with Gigantic Death Worm – a hilarious, brutal, violent, and important piece of genre fiction. Why is it important? Because it’s probably the first piece of fiction that features bears who shoot wolves out of their mouths like missiles; Mexican, sombrero-throwing ninjas in invisibility ponchos; a main character who can pull anything out of thin air; and giant fucking death worms.

Like the amazon synopsis says, this might just be the best book ever.

From Amazon:

HOLY SHIT! THIS IS THE BEST BOOK EVER!!!

It’s kind of like that awesome movie, Frozen, you know where there’s those people stuck on a ski-lift while surrounded by wolves. But imagine if instead of wolves they were bears. And the bears spit wolves! Like they’re fucking grenade launchers or something! It’s awesome!!!

And then there’s these gigantic death worms that come out of the ground and kill and eat everyone. And they’re HUGE. Big enough to eat breweries and shit. And it’s all because of 2012! I KNOW! But, don’t worry, there’s a bunch of Mexican Ninjas with invisibility ponchos and throwing-sombreros that are going to save the day. They are so badass. And the main character Dave does some stuff, too. He can pull things out of the air, like burgers and Armani suits. (If I could do that I’d be eating McDouble cheeseburgers constantly!) He and his friend Worm-Head Girl, along with the Mexican Ninjas, and a veterinarian named LeAnn must try to save Phoenix from total annihilation. But they better hurry up because these gigantic death worms are going to utterly fucking destroy everything in like two seconds!!

CHECK OUT THE MOST AWESOME BOOK YOU COULD EVER POSSIBLY IMAGINE!! IT’S THE BEST BOOK EVER!!!

Now, where a first-time author gets off piling so many outlandish things into one short novel, I’ll never know. Only in the bizarro genre can someone get away with this kind of brazen confidence and hilarious craziness. There were points in this novel where I was actually laughing out loud on the subway, and that’s just damned embarrassing. Furthermore, the fact that I couldn’t share any of this with my co-workers was terrifying, but throughly awesome. I finally found something that can be my very own. Will any old horror fan appreciate this novel? No. Will anyone with a sense of humour find this as awesome as I did? No. And why is that? Because they suck and this book is awesome. End of story.

Like I said above, Kramer covers this story in thoroughly entertaining characters, set pieces, and one liners. There really are bears that shoot wolves out of their mouths, and I have to say that it’s one of the most hilarious experiences I’ve ever read. Dave, the main characters and our hero, has brain parasites that actually have a lot to do with the resulting terror and destruction that ensues later one. He can also pull things out of thin air, which Kramer uses subtly and comfortably enough to slip right past the reader. The comedic timing in this novel is seriously brilliant.

And Mexican Ninjas? YES PLEASE! These bad boys fly, wear invisibility ponchos, throw sombreros, and just generally kick ass. There’s nothing I can say that will make any of you completely ‘get’ hot killer these guys are. It’s a “you must read this” scenario, that’s for sure.

Kramer also has an uncanny ability to throw one-liners out there that are bordering on ridiculous, but brimming with hilarity. A few examples would be:

“Then the bear ate his face off, and he died from it.”

Which is a line that almost killed me, making me choke on my coffee and call every known person in the world to recite this to.

“Ramon threw a knife at the poor guy, which killed him in the head.”

Another example of me spitting my coffee every-fucking-where (Kramer, you owe me a new, clean iPhone)

I’ll give you this: Gigantic Death Worm is very much the most fun I’ve had in the past 6 or so months. If Kramer wants to continue writing incredible and insane stories like this, I’ll be first in line to buy.

You can take a look at the book I’m fawning over at Amazon in Paperback and for your Kindle. Also visit Vince Kramer online on Facebook, and check out Eraserhead Press for more Bizarro Fiction. If you’re interested in more Bizarro than you can shake a stick at, visit the online community known as Bizarro Central. That place is awesome.

C.

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